The Beastie Boys Bandit and other rock related criminals

Police in Portland, Oregon, are apparently flummoxed by a bandit they’ve dubbed “The Beastie Boy Bandit” – because the dude keeps on turning up at banks wearing bad wigs, polyester suits and fake moustaches, looking for all the world like he’s paying homage to the Beastie Boys in their well known clip for Sabotage.

(Warning: there is an ad before the clip, which takes about 5 full seconds to get through. If you can wait that long, Sabotage is after that.) If you haven’t seen this before, check out the (deliberately bad) costumes! There are bad wigs! There are terrible fake moustaches!

I just wonder  whether the Beastie Boy Bandit (or “BBB”, as I like to call him),  is deliberately dressing like this in an ironic and witty homage to the Beastie Boys and their clip, which in turn pays homage to the cop shows of the 70s with its bad hair styles and suits, freeze framed action, and cops chasing bad guys – or whether he just has a really bad dress sense. Either way, since police have so far not tracked him down, it seems his disguise is successfully fulfilling the role he intended for it, ie, to make him untraceable. He’s obviously not as dumb as he is prepared to look!!

I also wondered – what would happen if other criminals decided to pay tribute to their musical heroes by dressing up as them when they are out committing crimes? Ideally, they would commit crimes that relate to their heroes’ songs, or at the very least, crimes that start with the same letter of the alphabet as their hero’s name, in order to facilitate that catchy -police-nickname touch. This could go something like this:

The “Bruce (the Boss) Bag Snatcher.” This guy has a mullet, and wears tight fitting denim jeans and a flannelette shirt, unbuttoned to the waist.  To fit Bruce Springsteen’s songs, he should really be a car jacker or go on a shooting spree, but those things don’t start with B. He could be a – “Burglar” but hey, let’s face it, this is how most burglars (in Australia at least) are dressed already. It was more amusing to picture Bruce Springsteen, running up the street with a handbag. Song of choice:  “Baby, we were born to run…”

The “Nick Cave Necrophiliac”. This guy wears a large fake handle bar moustache and has had plastic surgery to make his facial expression into a permanently quizzical frown. Wears smart 2 piece suits and is seen hanging around funeral parlours, humming “Death is not the end”. Eww, ok, that’s a bit creepy. Even Nick Cave would probably be offended by that.

The “Justin Beiber Jay-walker.” Lame, I know, but the crime seemed to fit the age bracket. This criminal is 16 year old and wears a wig of immaculately coiffed hair and has a pack of giggling 12 year old girls following him everywhere he goes – thus causing risk of multiple injuries when he jay walks. This criminal’s signature song? – I’m thankful to say, I don’t know what Justin Beiber sings and don’t want to find out!

The “Flavor Flav Food Fighter”. Alright, so, there is “Forgery”, but what is the noun for someone who commits forgery? A forgery expert? The Flavor Flav Forgery Expert – it  just wasn’t catchy.  In an homage to his hero, this dude has had all his teeth replaced with gold and wears a large clock around his neck. He likes getting into food fights (but doesn’t like to bite down on anything too hard.) Signature song: “Party for your right to fight”.

The Axl Rose Arsonist – jeans so tight that fertility is definitely endangered, this time worn with a sleeveless t-shirt, a lot of tatts, long hair, and a very wide head band. Signature song: …actually it’s a signature move:  The Axl Rose Arsonist stays by the fires he lights, and starts a celebratory dance which, to the outside observer, would be described as writhing as though he was trying to slide right out of those jeans. Ewww, again!


* moustache count in this post: approximately 4.

The “Flavor Flav Food Fighter,” having a day off.

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