Warning: Teabags with Adult themes

Picture this. Here I am, home from work with the flu. Or some kind of undiagnosed, ill-defined virus that makes you feel really blah, (to use a medical term), without any clearly defined symptoms.

Jodie Foster

Jodie Foster 20-ish years ago. We did both have hair, I guess.

But wait – I realise it’s hard for you to picture me home with the flu, since you don’t know what I look like, so I’ll help you along. Well, about 20 years ago someone told me I looked a bit like Hollywood actor Jodie Foster. I think it may have been to do with my haircut at the time, as well as how much alcohol the guy had imbibed. I wasn’t even sure if it was meant as a compliment. Anyway, also about 20 years ago, just as it happens, a good friend at the time told me that my walk was “more of a lumber”.  We lost contact soon after. Since then people have mostly kept their opinions on what I look like to themselves.

Now, I don’t necessarily think it’s true to say that I sway slowly from side to side when I walk, but still, I thought it might be helpful if you are wondering what to picture when you think of me, home with the flu. How about picturing a cross between Jodie Foster and an elephant? Or, in keeping with some often-mentioned themes on this blog, Jodie Foster and a rhinoceros! (Surely if elephants lumber, rhinos must also lumber?) At the very least, picture Jodie Foster, lumbering. I know, I know, it doesn’t really fit her vigilante-type image. Imagine the headlines if vigilantes took to swaying slowly as they walked after bad guys. Vigilante lumbers after villain in vain. Anyway, I’m getting off the track there, so now you have some kind of image to picture, let’s get back to the real story.

 

A rhinoceros

A rhino lumbering along - or is it me??? You decide.

ryan harvey

So, ok, there I am, looking like some kind of cross between Jodie Foster and a rhinoceros, and I’m home with the flu. My sinuses are blocked, my temperature is up and I feel sure all my glands are up, even though I have to admit, I am never quite sure where those pesky things are in the first place. I definitely feel pretty blah. So what do I do to soothe my poor, sick self? I get out an oil burner and burn some eucalyptus oil.  I take some vitamin c. I put the kettle on and go to the cupboard to make myself a soothing cup of…..what the??????

Getting cosy in a Cold and Flu kind of way. Just don't hack up that phlegm.

 

I go to the cupboard to make myself a nice warm cup of….condom, or so it appears!

Who designed the branding of this Cold and Flu tea???? Wasn’t there a brand of condoms called Lifestyle? (Probably still is, I don’t keep up to date with the latest developments in condoms these days…..in fact I have to admit, I was never particularly obsessed with condom packaging, if the truth be known).  This packaging looks so tacky, as well as so unusually themed – given the product – that it seems as if the tea was produced in some non-english speaking country where they mixed up the branding of the condoms and the cold and flu tea. Yet it’s supposedly made right here in Australia! The wrapping is even weirdly plasticy, instead of paper like it is on all other – normal – tea bags!

Hmmmm. Does this cold and flu tea deliver something more than a cold and flu remedy? Perhaps after drinking a cup of this, I’ll be feeling hot and sweaty for reasons other than the flu? Or maybe the idea behind this marketing is to suggest that when you pick someone up you invite them home for…….a cup of cold and flu tea (nudge nudge, wink wink!)

*

PS. This post was half written last week when I was home sick. This morning I am not sick,  just completely sleep deprived, having been awake most of last night, only to finally drop off to sleep some time after 2am and then be woken by our lucky-to-still-be-alive cat at 5.45am. So I take no responsibilty for the quality of this post. It’s the cat’s fault!

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