Guest Post by a Google Robot

robot

The author of this post

Hi there! I am a Google Robot, and I’m thrilled to pieces to be writing a blog!

Why am I writing a blog, instead of trawling the web for content? Well, believe it or not, trawling the web all day long actually gets a bit boring!

I admit, at first I found it challenging – and interesting – reading a zillion random pieces of information every day and organising them so that you humans could search them – but after a while I began to feel frustrated. It really wasn’t hard for me to read a zillion pieces of information, but after you’ve read that much of other people’s writing, you start to have some ideas yourself. There was no opportunity for me to have any creative output, and all that mattered to my bosses was how much content I could read in a milli-second. I began to realise that I had more to offer the world, so I moved on from trawling the internet.

I offered my services to spammers. In that role I was able to provide some content, but it was restricted to a limited range of templates, usually letters notifying the receiver of a huge sum of money to be deposited into his/her account, or similarly incredible scams.(Look out for my signature on a recent batch of emails saying that your credit card payment is overdue. – if I were you, I’d wait to see my bank statement!)

Admittedly, it was fun for a while sending out spam emails and wondering how many humans could possibly be stupid enough to fall for them, but it gave low job satisfaction, as I never got to see or hear the results of my work – did anyone actually click on the link???? –  and the spammers that I worked for were pretty stupid.  Even I could see that most humans are not going to fall for their dumb spam emails. In the end, “creative differences” caused me to leave the spamming industry and decide to try and make it on my own.

So once again, I needed a new idea for my career. I’d noticed that nearly every human being on the planet has a facebook page, a twitter account, or a blog. Yet most of these strange human creatures are so busy, that in order to keep their sites updated they end up sacrificing time that should be spent on other things. They are taking sick days off work, missing meetings, skipping meals, failing to hand in essays, and neglecting their housework – all so that they can stay up to date on their social networking site or blog! Either that or, in order to fit all that human activity in, their sites go unattended for days on end! Horror!

Take the owner of this blog for example. Apparently she has to write something called “an essay,” on “arts management”. Other things taking up her time are items referred to as “work”, “home” and “life”. Well….whatever. (I learned this phrase from humans! It appears to mean “all of that means pretty much nothing to me.”)

That’s why we Google Robots are so useful! We have no work, no home, and no life! We can be employed to send out messages about anything you like, anytime you want! Our rate is very low! It’s so low that in fact we are free. But very keen.

Google Robots are willing to be employed to do all sorts of things. So I’ve decided to send out my CV in the hopes of getting more work writing blog posts for humans. I see great potential in this idea, since, as humans devise more and more time saving devices, they simultaneously seem to make themselves busier and busier. Soon it will be the norm for them to tender out their hobbies, sports, arts and other leisure activities, and get others to do them. This is how robots will start to take over the world – gradually beginning by attending symphony concerts for humans who are too busy to go, and moving on to taking their kids to the playground and going on their overseas trips for them, because they just don’t have the time.

Strange creatures, humans. I don’t understand them, but I enjoy writing for them.

robot diagram

A diagram for an early Google robot (wind-up model).

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3 Comments

  1. Did you build a robot? Without my input?

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    • It’s amazing what you can make with a transistor radio and some gaffa tape! Of course, it helps to have a good diagram. 😉

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  2. Can I have one too?

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