Nigella Lawson’s Ears

With the money from her inheritance

She bought herself a mobile phone

So that she could call Jamie Oliver

And get his recipe for scones

No one could say she left the milk out on the shelf

Just a little midnight snack, she mumbled to herself

*

Chorus:

When the sponge doesn’t rise there’s a pout on her face

But Nigella Lawson’s ears always stay in place

*

She ran away from home with her mother’s best blender

She got married and then she went on a bender

And her kitchen was “country style”

The wide island benches made her smile

They were handmade out of oak

(You’ll only see those in the homes of rich folk)

*

Jamie Oliver and Ainsley Harriot

Sure they’ve got grand ideas about what to do with a carrot

Stephanie Alexander and Kylie Kwong too

Come from Australia and think they know what to do

One dark night she came home from the shop

And made a spectacular meal with a lamb chop

Just a little mint sauce and a dash of pesto

How f*cking spiffing said Nigella, hey presto!

*

When the pavlova falls apart she sweeps it up in haste

She takes off the Pavarotti and puts the CD in it’s case

When the soup is a disaster there’s a frown upon her face

But Nigella Lawson’s ears

always stay in place.

*

Apologies to Billy Bragg

*

*This post was inspired by all the people who enter “Nigella Lawson Ears” into various search engines, and land here. I thought I’d give you something to make the trip worthwhile.

**Any resemblance to the real Nigella Lawson and/or her ears is not entirely co-incidental, but the incidents and attitudes described or implied above are all purely fictional, as far as I know.

***Also, for that person who googled does Nigella Lawson really catch the bus? – my guess is, no. But what do I know, I don’t even live in the same country. However I do have two of her recipe books, and after consulting those, I conclude that if she lived in Melbourne, she wouldn’t be stuck at train stations trying to swipe her MYKI ™ card in order to exit. That’s for sure. 

Nigella Lawson

The real Nigella Lawson, and her real ears!

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6 Comments

  1. alice

     /  December 21, 2012

    As someone who did indeed land here do to Nigella’s ears, this whole page is hilarious.

    Like

    Reply
  2. weebluebirdie

     /  December 11, 2015

    Just landed here because your other post told me! I didn’t even know she had ears and that this was a thing. 🙂 I accidentally caught five minutes of her programme the other night and it was so much more than I could thole.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Well the funny thing is, I didn’t know her ears were a thing either, until I kept seeing that people had searched variations of “Nigella Lawson big ears”….ah the days when you could see the search terms. It made for an amusing post every now and then. I miss those days. It seems to have disappeared altogether just recently.

      Like

      Reply
  3. weebluebirdie

     /  December 11, 2015

    Oh, and guess what I’ll have to google now!!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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