Lovely spam

Lovely, lovely spam

pic: www.ceoweb.it

Welcome back to that extremely irregular* segment of our program where we take a look at the spam we’ve been receiving here at It Keeps Me Wondering Laboratories. 

 

This week we received an unusual correspondence from Mr Joseph Orongo, which we have published below in full. (omitting the sender’s email address).

 

Now, we’ve been receiving spam for many years here at IKMW Labs, as I’m sure you have too, dear reader. A decade or more ago, I admit that it was vaguely amusing to open an email, purportedly from a total stranger writing from the other side of the world, addressing you as “Dear Beloved,” explaining that they had inherited an enormous amount of wealth, so much that they are keen to give some of it away to you, since they had come across your details randomly, and felt that you sounded like a deserving soul who could do with a break. All you have to do is provide your date of birth and your bank account number and they will hastily deposit the sum of $300,275 473.24 into your bank account.

 

Haha, yeah no worries, I will get back to you, random stranger, with my bank account details for the deposit, just as soon as I’ve seen a pig fly past the window. That’s what I replied in 1999, anyway, and I’m still waiting to see that pig go by – damn that pig, it’s holding me up from becoming a wealthy billionaire!

 

More than a decade has gone by since I received my first spam, and while organic life continues to evolve, and technology continues to develop at an ever-increasing pace, it seems that spam has not changed much in that time. Spam bots, human scammers, or whoever/whatever is at the other end, send out the same old tired missals, claiming that you’ve inherited money from a long-lost ancestor, or that a random stranger desperately wants to give you money they’ve inherited or won – such is the generosity of the human spirit, apparently.

 

Variations are: a random stranger has selected you as someone who they’d like to invest millions in business with, or, a random stranger, (allegedly a nubile 24 year old Russian girl, but more likely a piece of coding in a computer server somewhere), would like to marry you, and promises to make a good wife.

 

Back in 1999, all of these provided the occasional moment of amusement when the office was quiet, but these days, their tired, cliched devices, combined with awful grammar, spelling mistakes, cut-and-pasted nonsensical sentences and terrible imitations of a non-English-speaking person writing in English mean that you can find more amusing writing to read on your coffee break, even right here on this blog. I may resort to tired, cliched devices, have awful grammar, and write nonsensical sentences but at least I usually check my spelling before I publish. That’s a tip to spammers everywhere.

 

So I applaud the new, creative approach which I encountered this week. Please read below and enjoy. There will be questions* to follow.

 

* intermittent meaning that in 4 years of blogging I think I’ve written one other post on spam, which I’m not linking to here because I’m too lazy to go and look for it.

*Questions to follow may mean, another post, in response to this spam, to follow. It may mean that, but it’s not yet certain.

*************************************************************************

Reply-To: (address deleted)

From: “MR JOSEPH ORONGO”

Subject: DEAR BENEFICIARY

Date: 1 May 2015 10:23:15 am AEST

 

DEAR BENEFICIARY,

Good day, this is to inform you of your long overdue Compensation Payment In this office Files records over here. This department founds your name and email address in the Central Computer / Federal Ministry of Finance among list of Scam Victim unpaid Compensation Funds and have to update your information by contacting you Through this email for your immediate confirmation response back to my Office without delay. The value capital Compensation fund amount of $3.800, 000.00 USD (Three Million Eight Hundred Thousand dollars only) is to your favor listed name for immediate payment.

However we received an email from one Mr.Williams Cooksey, who told us that he is your NEXT OF KIN and that you died in a car accident last four Months back. He has also submitted his account information’s to the office Department for transfer of the fund payment credit to him as your Inheritor of the fund stated herein.

Below are the Account Details:

CHASE Bank
2075 S. Victoria Ave
Ventura, CA 93003
800 788-7000 FREE
Acct. name: Mr.Williams Cooksey
Type: Checking
ABA # 322271627
Acct # 1951204345


We are now verifying by contacting you through your email address as we have in our Bank records before we can make the transfer into his account and for us to conclude confirmation if you are still alive.You’re the last person on the List to receive this Compensation Fund as per the Federal Ministry of Finance Directives on Inheritance Funds Outstanding Payment.


Please, if still alive, do urgently send email confirmation by Filling the form details below as signification you are alive and willingly to receive your funds payment.


FORM FILLING SIGNIFICATION CONFIRMING YOU ARE ALIVE;

PERSONAL DETAILS

Your Full Name:
Full Residential Address  (P.O.BOX NOT ALLOWED).
Direct and Current Phone
Nationality:
Occupation:
age/sex:
Present Country:
passport identification:


PLEASE, CONTACT OUR CUSTOMER CARE MANAGER (MR JOSEPH ORONGO) ON HIS EMAIL ADDRESS FOR SECURITY REASONS: (email address deleted)

Thanks,

BARCLAYS BANK PLC

+254706463854