Dear Spam

DEAR SPAMMER,

Good day. This is to inform you that your sentences make no Sense in this office Files records over here. I’ve also checked in the office Files records Over There as well, but they still made no sense, Here, There, or Anywhere.

We founds your email in our  Junk mail folder/Federal Ministry of Finance, (as we like to call our Junk Mail folder from time to time), but it was clear that your email is Genuine and is most Definitely Not a scam.

Despite your awkward sentence structure and Strangely random Use of Capitalisation, which we put down to a probable culturally and Linguistically Diverse background where English is your second, or possibly Fifth, language – and/or that the letter was generated by a Computer Program, designed to generate letters that could only be described as Vaguely coherent at best, and send them out to confuse Approximately a million people, of whom perhaps one will respond – we are Pleased to be doing Business With you.

We are Excited to hear about the Victim unpaid Compensation Funds program, and happy to Update your information by contacting you Through this email (obvs). The amount of $3,800, 000.00 USD (surely about $4,500 000 AUD!) sounds entirely believable – please write out a Cheque for immediate payment without further delay. Although somewhat confused by the content of your Letter, I surmise that as long as I am Alive, I will receive this amount from the Victim Compensation Fund, for being the victim of a Scam. This comes as a pleasant Surprise as I was not even Aware that I had been scammed, but I’m sure that I am alive.  

Please accept this email as signification (as requested) that I am alive and Willingly to Receive my funds payment. I make a practice of never making Guarantees about things over which I have no Control, Particularly if they are a Condition of Payment, so I must Emphasise that while I am alive at Time of Writing, I am unable to confirm the Exact Timeframe on how much longer this State will continue. Unfortunately, I will be unable to Inform you via Email, Fax or Phone if this condition should alter.

For this Reason, I urge you to Make payment of the $3800 000 USD as soon as possible. Finally please e aware that Mr Willams Cooksey is attempting to scam you. I’ve never heard of him, he is no relation, and not entitled to inherit my windfall, Regardless of whether I am alive or dead.

As requested, I have filled out the form you sent, below.

FORM FILLING SIGNIFICATION CONFIRMING YOU ARE ALIVE;

PERSONAL DETAILS

Your Full Name: Blathering*
Full Residential Address  (P.O.BOX NOT ALLOWED). This is problematic as I live in a PO Box, please advise what I can do about this?
Direct and Current Phone:  I have both, in fact they are one and the same.
Nationality: Australian
Occupation: Wool-gatherer
age/sex: any age is ok amongst consenting adults
Present Country: No – I am presently in the city
passport identification: Photo
*I go by just one name, like Cher
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9 Comments

  1. Hehehehe…

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  2. Well thought out and very amusing, though I must say you have more patience than I with spammers and scammers.

    I have occasionally read their maunderings and wondered how stupid you have to be 1. to write this idiotic stuff and 2. to be taken in by it. The answer to 2., I suppose, is that no matter what ridiculously rubbishy offer you make there will always be someone out there silly enough to take you up on it. (This is the secret that the pop music industry, among others, relies on.)

    Fashions in spam and scams change. Whereas once I received hundreds of spam comments a month to my blog, these days I am lucky to receive one or two. On the other hand, the actual content of the messages changes much as the flu virus changes its coat to avoid detection by the latest vaccine. Currently, for example, I am receiving emails, apparently from real and reputable firms, enclosing an invoice and requesting payment. What purchase am I supposed to have made? I have no idea because to open the attachment would be to risk releasing the trojan nesting therein.

    Perhaps I may use the good offices of your blog to apologize to the various Nigerian government ministers and officials of the UN who have written to offer me large sums of money and whom I have summarily ignored. Their frustration must be immense.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    • Thanks Silver Tiger, I’ve passed your apologies on to the Nigerian Government. They replied to say that they just need you to fill out their “Form for signifying that you apologise to the government”, but I refused to send it on to you.

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  3. weebluebirdie

     /  May 29, 2015

    I keep getting encouraging phonecalls from some bloke living inside a computer urging me to phone for compensation for the accident I was in. I must be entitled to a lot. Clearly the accident has left me so traumatised that I have blocked it out, for I have no recollection of being in said accident.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Hmm, could be the same person who recently left a message on our landline saying that one of us (not clear who) is under investigation for tax fraud and to phone a number to follow up. I must ring the Australian Tax Office about that breach of privacy! The worry is that someone like my elderly parents – who can’t be caught out by spam as they don’t have a computer- might actually fall for this!

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  4. How did this post not immediately end up in your spam folder? 🙂
    Very funny.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Haha, I just wrote a lengthy reply explaining that the spam email went straight to the Junk mail folder, but unfortunately in the job I’m in I have a generic info@ email address redirected to my email address so not only do I heaps of spam, I also get any of the random emails that get sent to the company and may be mistakenly filtered by gmail as spam. So I have to regularly check through the ema in the junk mail folder to make sure we don’t miss anything that’s not junk. Then I re-read your comment & realised you said “post” & thus that you were joking. Actually it should have ended up in YOUR spam folder, not mine! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  5. why???

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    • Why reply to Spam? Well, as someone I used to work with was fond of saying, “for shits and giggles.” Just to try and write something funny, that’s the only reason why!

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